The History of Santy Claws by Butch Hawkins

(This here is a paper on the history of Santy Claws I turned in to Mr. Erstine Jubal Cain, English teacher at Bucksnort High School, for my first term paper my last year at Bucksnort High School. I got a high C! Yeah! It is reprinted with my permission! – Butch Hawkins.)

A History of Santy Claws

Copyright and by Butch Hawkins

The Bucksnort version of that thar Santy Claws fellar got its inspired-eation from a Dutch legend (that’s a made-up story), not to be confused with a Dutch treat, (something made up by Bessie Lynne Mapleridge’s boyfriend, Clem!) of (it sez here they being Dutch and all, called him) Sinter Klaas, (I am uh pro-nounciating that thar right!?) … brought by them thar pilgimizers to over at New York, whichun they used to call backun then something that sounds like New Hamster Dan, I ne’er seen it spelled out - in the 17th century! Now, that’s nigh unto 400 years ago!

As early as the year 17 hundred and 73 this name Santy Claws was printed in some high filuting Yankee newspaper up north, (as an aside note; it turns out them thar Dutch people gave us the word Yankee, too. Seems like everyone of them thar Dutchy boys had the name John and as seeing as how they liked cheese so much – nearly ate it ‘round the clock ‘chording to my mentor, Mr. Erstine Jubal Cain, of the Bucksnort Highschool English Department, they started a calling themselves John Cheese. Imagine like walking down the main street in front of Mr. Ike Clever’s store and seeing Black Petey Fletcher or Biggun Rumstun and them just a saying to each other, “Hey John Cheese!” “Well, Hey yourself John Cheese!” “Nice day for a walk id’n it John Cheese!” “Yep, it sure iz, John Cheese” Until finally it got shortend-ted to “Hi, Yan Kee” “Well, what’s you say, Yan Kee?” – because they got tired of saying John Cheese so much they kinda pronounciated it like a Spaniard or somebody!) Anyway this Yankee paper writ the name as "Saint A Claus," but it was that thar popular writer by the name of Washington Irving (I always thought that’s how hiz name appeared in the phone book – but that thar is the correct order!) who gave us Colonualists our first details about this Dutch legend (remember that thar’s a made up story) of Santy Claws.

Seems this thar fellar, Washington Irving, wrote a History of New York, (that thar is most likely where Mr. Erstin Jubal Cain found out about John Cheese) put out in the year 18 hundred and ought 9. For some reason, probably because he was ashamed of having hiz names a backwards, Mr. Irving told them he was a named Diedrich Knickerbocker, (you heard me, I am pronounciated that right!). So they published hiz history of New York as a written by ole Diedrich Knickerbocker. (Someday I’ll tell you what a Knickerbocker is – no it’s not what fellars are always trying to do to ole Bland Lemonade Pledge behind Mr. Clever’s store -- your gonna want to hear that!) In his book, Washington, uh I mean Diedrich, described how Santy Claws would arrive on horseback each Eve of Saint Nicholas, that’s short for evening before Christmas. Now I know! What about them elfs, reindeer and chimneys, Butch? Hold your horses thar a Saint Pickolas, or in this case just hold one horse named Rudolf – naw that’s not really hiz name- I just made that up! That was me, making that up – not about the horse but hiz name being named Rudolf – you know like the Reindeer’s name that had that thar red nose --- which by the way was all made up later and made famous by that great singin cowboy, Glenn Autry! Any way, back to Claws on the horse story, (that’s funny sounding!)... this Dutch American Saint Nick came full petunia into his fully Americian-tized form in 18 hundred and 23 in a famous poem called, A Visit From Saint Nicholas, or as more famously known as The Night Before Christmas by writer Clement Clarke Moore. (Actually it’s just known as the Night Before Christmas – that part about Clement Clark Moore is not in the famously known title.) Anyhow, this thar proem (You may think that I mispelled that thar word poem? But proem is a real word – it means like an introduction or something – so that’s why I used it – this here poem is the proem for the next version of Santy Claws), included such picky things as the names of the reindeer; (Guess his horse done throwd a shoe!) Santy Claws' in this poem laughs, winks, and nods; but he is said to be an elf - not a man - nor a saint at’ll! And the method by which Saint Nicholas, which is the elf, which a goes up a chimney comes right out of Washington Deidrich Knickerbocker Irving’s 18 hundred and ought 9 History of New York, which used to be called New Hamster Dan.

Later some fellar named Tommy Nast, drew some pictures of the chimney rising elf as a red suit-wearing Biggun Runstun looking fellar for Christmas issues of a famous Yankee magazine called Harper's magazine. This all started about 18 hundred and 60 (you all know what was going on around here with them thar yankees in 18 hundred and 60) and he kept a going to about the 18 hundred and 80s. Mr. Nast kind of made up stuff like Santy's workshop at the North Pole and Santy having some secret list of the good chiltren and some even more secret list of the bad chiltren of the world. (I am not sure what kind of kids Mr. Nast had – but most likley they were always in trouble which is why old man Nast came up with the lists. They had to have had a rough time growing up - - having everything they did described as the Nasty kids way of doing things). But even still (Stephen’s brother? – that’s a musical joke!) Santy was still more an elf than a man. (Thar’s a joke in thar somewhere!) The full-sized Santy Claws we all knowed and loved, finally appeared in drawings for to sell bottled carbon dated drinks called Coca-Colas in magazine advertisements somewhere about 19 hundred and 31.

Since then, in modren times, only Santy’s toyshop workers are elfs. Some guy who wrote slogans; (that thars those sayings like ‘sing and strut to the barber’s cuts!’ that Mr. Clever, uses on his W-O-O-L radio program), for the Monky Ward Company made up out of clean air Rudolph, the ninth reindeer, with a red shinny nose, in 19 hundred and 39, which I already told you Glenn Autry make famous in his song about him!

So thar you have it! Santy is made up by the Dutch, a guy who was ashamed of his name and a man with the Nasty touch!

The End.

Note to Mr. Cain: I hope it was Ok that I put copyright by Butch Hawkins on this here paper?